No Entiendo Western All'italiana?

“Spaghetti western,” he says outside the elevator.
The doors open and we rush in.

A man dressed in a summer suit and a woman in a green dress stand in opposite corners. Maybe they shared a one-night stand and are now sharing an awkward moment, or maybe they’ve never met before and are just sharing an elevator.

Me: I don’t understand what that means.
Him: Spaghetti westerns, you know, Clint Eastwood?
Me: I don’t get it. What does Clint Eastwood have to do with Spaghetti?
Him: No, they’re called spaghetti westerns because they were made by Italians.
Me: Westerns were made by Italians? Why don’t they call them pizza westerns? Or Sicilian westerns? Or lasagna...
Him: I don’t know why. But they’re called spaghetti westerns. Look it up.

I roll my eyes and walk away thinking about spaghetti and Clint Eastwood and wondering if the strangers on the elevator have ever screwed.  (Each other, I mean, if they've ever screwed each other because I'm pretty sure they have screwed.)

Later, I google spaghetti western and find that he’s right.
“The best-known and perhaps archetypal Spaghetti Western films were The Man with No Name …starring Clint Eastwood …and The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.”

Sometimes life makes no sense.

A simple guide

Women: a man’s instructional guide
(in 5 easy steps!)

“Knitted fur is so modern and light, it makes this retro shape cool again.” –Elle Magazine, July 2011

1. We like pretty things. And ugly things and new things and things that are old and worn and comfortable. We like things.
Those of us who claim not to like things-- love things (our CD collection, our books, our great-grandmother’s vintage necklace, our journals, etc.)

“But as a coach I wanted to keep things from being too complicated.” -Bob Cousy

2. We’re not complicated. We’re not complicated. We’re not complicated. Drill that into your brain and never, ever tell your woman she’s complicated.

“Your friend is your needs answered.” -Khalil Gibran

3. We have needs: food, water, sleep, sex. These are basic human needs (every man should know this). Things to keep in mind:
a. When we say we’re hungry, we mean now.
b. Same goes for I’m tired. I’m thirsty. I need a bottle of vodka. Etc.
c. Sex is a basic human need. But it’s a different animal altogether.

“Sex is a part of nature. I go along with nature.” -Marilyn Monroe

4. Sex--what you need to know (in one short alphabet!):
a. Don’t ask for sex.
b. Ever.
c. Always assume that your partner wants to have sex.
d. Because she does.
e. But never act as if you assume that your partner wants to have sex.
f. That’s just rude.
g. Be patient (no woman wants to feel rushed).
h. But—don’t take forever either. (It's a marathon.)
i. Unless—
j. It is a marathon. Then by all means take your time!
k. But--change things up.
l. There are no rules, except
m. Nothing works all the time!
n. So pay attention! Read your partners body language and give her what she needs.
o. But—not all the time! Sometimes a man needs to take charge and make things happen.
p. But don’t be forceful.
q. Unless—she’s into that sort of thing.
r. (Most women are.)
s. But—not all the time because…
t. Nothing works all the time!
u. I hope this is starting to make sense. It’s really not that complicated.
v. One last thing: be romantic! Remember all those things you did when you first met…
w. Don’t stop!
x. It’s the little things.
y. Maybe just the way you look at her.
z. But don’t stare. (That’s just creepy.)

“The rocket had worked perfectly, and all I had to do was survive the reentry forces. You do it all, in a flight like that, in a rather short period of time, just 16 minutes as a matter of fact.” -Alan Shepard

5. Don’t try so hard. Relax. Let things happen naturally. After all, it's not rocket science!